Desperation
by Fearless-Elegance
Summary: Goodbyes are never easy, and endings bittersweet..


_Desperate._

**AN: **Just an idea that occured to me during one of my depressed states.

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Kakashi's ANBU squad attire rests on the crisp, mahogony colored sheets of the bed. The bed Kakashi and Iruka have shared together every night for the past year and a half. The bone colored armor is in perfect condition. If you could call it armor. Iruka taps it lightly with his middle finger, his square cut nail making a hollow sound as it beat against it. This couldn't be called armor, just a false sense of security. The windows of the small apartment are open, and like the mood inside the bedroom, the skies above Konoha are a mixture of diffrent grays, the promise of rain hidden in those somber colors. Kakashi leans against the door frame of the bedroom, his eyes downcast. He folds his arms over his cotton clad chest, his vest lying somewhere in the living room, or a kitchen chair perhaps.

"...You're going?" Iruka asks for the hundrenth time, eyeing the attire with visible disgust.

"Yes," was the Jounins indignant reply. He looks up to turn his mix-matched gaze on the man, his mask pulled down and displaying his frown.

He pulls his hand from the armor, quickly, as if it has burned him. The chunin shakes his head slightly, the loose ponytail allowing pieces of hair to fall over his face. Pressing his hands to his face, he hides his eyes for a moment, reminding himself that he is a ninja. And as such, he has no reason to show emotion.

No matter how desperate the situation.

He knew why Tsunade needed so badly to have the silver haired man back among her troops. He was the best. The very best, and like they all thought, that proved to be his downfall. Earlier that day, he had gone to Tsunade. Begged to know what where she was sending Kakashi. Even tried to make her choose someone else, anyone else, even himself. Like expected, she had flat out refused. Tsunade hadn't been harsh, it wasn't that she didn't understand Iruka's pain. But, it was simply that, as the Kage, she had no room for sympathy. She had people to protect. And Kakashi was a ninja. He had to help in that desire, and do all he could to protect it. Such was his skill, and such he gave. Iruka thought over the words he had used to try to dissuade her...but to no avail.

_"Hokage-Sama...you know...more than anyone what its like to face losing the one you love.." He stood before the woman's desk, his head hanging low, trying to hide emotion in his eyes, fist clenching tightly at his sides. Why couldn't she understand? She needed to understand, HE needed her to understand it. Kakashi was all he had left, and how could she williningly take him away? So thoughtlessly...so selfishly.._

_"I understand it well, Iruka," she replied, her eyes never leaving her hands as they lay folded atop the desk, thumbs twiddling idily; a poor attempt to take her mind of the pain she felt for the young chuunin. "I am not doing this...to seem cruel...I am the Hokage, Iruka. And I have a job to protect the people of this village, all the people. Kakashi is gifted...this is not a mission, but a war, men are dying left and right out there. Kakashi is a strong leader and an even stronger fighter...he is needed..."_

_He didn't bother to think before he spoke, he poured his heart out to her, admitted what he felt. "...I need him more..." He raised his head, looked at the woman. "I need _

_him more than you need him to get out there and die...alone on some damned...damned battlefield and...and..." It was a brash and bold thing to say. To openly disagree with the Hokage was a foolish thing for anyone to do. But Iruka wasn't thinking about propriety. All he could think, feel, was the thought of losing Kakashi. And that alone overruled any other thought. _

_"I cannot," Tsunade refused again. "There is nothing that can be done...I am truly sorry..."_

And with that, she had sent him on his way. To come back and face his lover, their home, for him to witness Kakashi's depart. He tapped the armor again, before dragging his nail down the length of it.

"I'm going to miss this place," Kakashi said suddenly, dragging Iruka out of his hateful memory and pointless attack on the armor. "And Konoha. You're still going to take Naruto apple picking like you said, right? Tomorrow? He's going to like it, if for nothing else but to eat them all before he even makes it - "

"Shut up." His voice was low, yet firm. He pulled his hand away from the ivory shell of the ANBU attire quickly, as if it had burned him. Arms hanging limply at his sides, the sad brown eyes remained on the ground, trying to count the threads that made up the dark blue carpet.

"I was hoping I wouldn't miss summer...fall is nice, but we both like summer the best, don't we? Try to enjoy it for the both of us." Kakashi's voice remained calm and easygoing. Acceptance and vindication in his tone. "I know it isn't going to be easy on you...but you'll manage, won't you? Of course you will, you're strong, you - "

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Iruka turned to face him, and felt his anger rise as he saw the soft smirk on Kakashi's lips. "This isn't funny, damn you! This isn't a game! You're going out there to die! That's all there is to it! There will be NO coming back! How can you just allow this?! How can you AGREE with it?!"

Kakashi chuckled lightly. "Ah, Iruka...Konoha's little anarchist. You always follow what you believe and know to be right. I always loved you for that, and more."

"And you're just following her orders...like some damn trained monkey." His hands curled up into tight fist as he spoke.

"That is what a ninja is. A monkey thats gone through the stages of evolution, but retained it's aptitude in obedience." The Jounin spoke jokingly, and even laughed lightly at the end of his statement.

"That isn't true! You don't have to do this.."

"I don't?" He asked, faining surprise, the geniune smile still on his lips.

"No..."

"Then what would you have me do?" Stepping forward to Iruka, he looked down at the shaking man, reaching out and wrapping his hands around the brunette's clenched fist. Slowly, Iruka's hand loosened, fingers stretching to slowly entwine with Kakashi's own.

"We could leave," Iruka blurted out, with little thought about it. "We could go to another country, another land. There are many other places to go...snow country...you always said it was beautiful there, right? We could go...I like the snow.." He was babbling on, and he couldn't help himself. He didn't even like winter all that much, but if Kakashi said yes, he'd love the snow for the rest of his life.

Cupping the chunin's face in his hand, he raised his head up gently, forcing the shorter man to look up at him. "That would be nice, wouldn't it?" Kakashi's smile changed, becoming a sad, wounded one; a smile of broken promises and unfufilled dreams. It broke Iruka's heart to see it. "To run away...just us. Break all the rules and just leave, together...that would be such a happy ending...wouldn't it?"

"Yes..."

"But it can't...and you know that. Happy endings are for fairytails. And you can't leave Naruto."

"Let's take him with us," he replied, as if the decision had already been made.

"No, Naruto needs you here, and you both need to stay here...too much to do."

"He doesn't need me anymore...he's got everything he needs, he's in good hands."

"Never thought I'd hear the day where you considered Sasuke 'Good hands'" He chuckled.

"Not just him...his friends..all of them..he's starting to settle in here nicely..finally."

"...He has...I had hoped to see it to the end...see all the great things he'd someday do..."

"Kakashi..." Hot liquid filled Iruka's eyes, he could feel the burning sensation in his iriss'. The more he fought it off, the more it burned, the more water formed. "It doesn't have to be the end..."

"Of course it doesn't...death isn't really an end, is it?"

"No, no, that isn't what I mean!...You don't have to...Don't..." He was begging. Ranting and begging like a five year old because he couldn't stop himself, he couldn't STOP, he couldn't let Kakashi leave him. He couldn't let the man just walk away knowing he'd never come back, he couldn't let Kakashi choose duty over love.

With a pained expression finally taking hold of his features, he laced his arms around Iruka's frame; pulling him into a hug. He held on, tightly. Knew this would be one of the last time he'd be able to embrace Iruka like this; as tightly as this, as lovingly as this, his last chance at shielding him from pain. "Iruka..." He choked, the list of promises and reassurances sticking to the back of his throat and refusing to be voiced, because he knew; he finally knew that none of it mattered. That 'I love you, don't forget me, this was meant to be' was all bullshit, because it wasn't meant to be. It simply HAD to be. And it wasn't fair to Iruka. Had he stayed alone, Kakashi thought, he'd be able to go without regret, without the hatred he felt for his country in his heart. He'd go like a proud, upstanding ninja. He'd go like a warrior. Now he was going off into the battle with the heart of a shattered man; the result of leaving a lover to suffer in the wake of his demise.

Kakashi finally understood the fear Asuma must have felt going out on missons, knowing Kurenai would be waiting for him. Whether he came home or not, and vice versa. "I love you," he finally whispered against the chuunin's smooth hair. "I love you..and I need you to know it. Don't be bitter about--"

"How can I not be?!" Iruka cried, clutching to the Jounin like a forlorn child. "How..?..how?...how...?"

"Don't you speak like that, alright?" He pulled the tanned male from the hug, shaking him by the shoulders roughly. "Don't think that way!" His tone took on a livid timbre, eyes narrowed as he grilled the man. "Just because I have to die, doesn't mean you have to...it's all the more reason you can't.."

"The summer..." he muttured thickly through unshed tears. "A wedding...under the cherry blossom rain...isn't that what you promised? Isn't that what we hoped for?"

"I know.." He took the man into his arms once more. "I promised so much...I wanted to give you so much, Iruka; so very much...you'll never know.." Kakashi lowered his face to nuzzle the males neck, eyes burning more with each passing second.

"I'll miss you so damn much.." Iruka brought a hand upward to rest against the back of Kakashi's neck, stroking the skin in a measured, tender manner.

"I know," was all he could manage as he shifted his head to let his mouth glide against the man's cheek.

"I refuse to love another like I love you.."

"Promise that to me.."

"I swear it.."

"So much I wanted to do," Kakashi mumbled, shifting his lips across Iruka's. He slipped his tongue out, outlined the mouth of his lover gently. He kissed Iruka, roughly, smoothly, softly; kissed him in all the ways he loved him, wanting to sear it into his mind forever. It was selfish of him, yes. But he wanted to be sure that no other man could ever compare to him; that no man could ever love Iruka like he had loved him. Like he did love him. Like he always would.

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A/N: Well, that's the end of it, I suppose.. I'd like to thank those that have reviewed for all my previous one-shots...it's make writing a bit more enjoyable..


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